Santa Fe, Part 7 -One Year Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to us! It's been a full year plus one month since we have moved from Chicago. That would be a full lunar cycle, which is 13 months. Given that I am strongly effected by the moon, and my sun sign is in Cancer, it seems somehow appropriate that I am writing and reflecting upon it now.

Honestly, these 13 plus months have been pretty challenging. And I am currently in a phase where I am experiencing a lot of anger, and I don't really know why. Often it is with good reason, and often directed at Loic, but sometimes it is not, but always it's been pretty out of proportion. If I didn't have an interest and understanding of astrology, I wouldn't have any perspective on this at all. But just today I read a webpage that talked about the Pluto transit over the past few years, and it gave me an immense sense of relief and understanding, and even tips on how to handle it. See http://www.lynnkoiner.com/astrology-articles/survival-tips-for-the-pluto-transit for your own relief.

Anyway, in order to avoid rambling about it, transiting Pluto brings a lot of intense energy, a feeling of being out of control, overwhelm, emotional upheaval and overreaction (think of volcanic eruptions), and it is important to simplify one's life and stick only to what is absolutely essential, channel the energy with exercise, withdraw from people and situations that are toxic to you, and go within and meditate. It's nice knowing that I am not alone in experiencing these things; it's something which has been effecting everybody.

Of course, we could look at Mayan astrology, and it would probably be describing similar things, leading up to and through 12/12/12.

I can not believe I missed writing through most of Autumn, though I have to say, these last few months have been the busiest of my work life in quite a while, and included our beginning a search for a car. Despite the level of stress, I have to say that having experienced all 4 seasons in New Mexico for the first time, Autumn is my favorite.

At the end of August, I took a weekend workshop called,"Deep Tissue With Ease", which revolutionized the way I work as a Massage Therapist. I will always refer back to the basic principles that the instructor taught us: When working 1) Keep your muscles relaxed 2) Use no more than %50 of your strength (this is very difficult for me!) 3) Change the tools you work with (knuckles, palm, elbow, forearm instead of hands/fingers/thumbs) 4) Listening to, instead of wailing on, the client's body. Listen for resistance, and retreat when this occurs. This last concept is so simple, yet we often forget as bodyworkers that a muscle can never be forced to relax, and that force will more often than not achieve the opposite effect intended. I very soon realized that these principles can also be applied to our lives, too.

We were also introduced to the concept that relaxation of the recipient is our primary goal as a Massage Therapist. I am aware that I still have a while to go until I achieve excellence, though I believe if I am only able to adhere to the practices of staying relaxed when I work, and achieving relaxation in my client, I will go very far indeed.

We visited and picnicked by Pecos River for an afternoon in September, with our new friend and neighbor across the street, Patrick. It was wonderful to yet again be near a body of water, here in desert country.

In the last week in October, my parents, and my brother from Seattle and his girlfriend, came for a visit. This time I was prepared with herbal offerings to help them with high altitude, and it helped. These included chlorophyll, Gingko Biloba extract, and Osha extract, as well as one of my favorite products, Emergen-C, along with reminding them constantly to drink plenty of water. It also helped to bring my parents to the spa for sessions on the oxygen bar. It was really great to have them here. Crazily, my very good friend Danielle was traveling through at the same time, although she was only here for a day and a night. I got a discount card for Ten Thousand Waves Spa, a Japanese style spa with beautiful outdoor baths, and so the two of us went for a soak for a few hours.

The last few days my family was here, Halloween weekend, I ended up doing an imitation of Linda Blair in The Exorcist, with the exception of levitation and head spinning 360 degrees... as I fell victim to my first (and hopefully, only) time of food poisoning. We all shared pretty much every food on the table at a particular restaurant in town, and Loic was the only other one who felt even a bit queasy. I am pretty certain that the reason I got so sick was because I was taking oil of Oregano, a supplement that will kill all microbes in one's body, including the good bacteria in one's digestive tract. I had not fully realized this and had not been very careful about replacing the good bacteria with a lot of regular probiotics throughout the day. I was taking Oregano to kill yeast and mold, and possibly other toxins within my body. I fully realized how powerful an herb can be. I have never vomited so much in my life, and I was bedridden for days. It was a pretty scary situation, and I'm very grateful that I did not have to be hospitalized.

November came around, and I continued to experience a tremendous amount of gratitude as well as a feeling of being more grounded here in Santa Fe. I felt a lot of establishment of routine in my life and in my work. I was celebrating our first year here, and on the 16th, we also celebrated our first year of being married, too. In fact, the entire week around the 16th, I felt so much love and gratitude for Loic, despite my continuing issues with anger around him. We went to dinner at Luminaria, a fine dining restaurant which is part of the Inn and Spa of Loretto downtown. When we walked in to the restaurant, there in front of us was a co-worker of his and her daughter, celebrating their birthdays, and so we ended up sitting with them and doubling our reasons to celebrate. The food was absolutely fantastic; and I have not had a steak like that in many years (organic and grass fed, naturally)!

December has rolled around, and I am now experiencing what it is like to work in the industry of hospitality, in a town centered around tourism, when the town is nearly devoid of tourists. The spa I work at has continued to have drama, and I lost one of the two official shifts I had. I did end up working full time for many weeks, simply because of substituting for other therapists, who were taking vacations. But for the last two weeks I have worked for one massage a week. I've kept busy, although with trading with other colleagues.

Last Wednesday, with free passes that Loic was awarded as a result of his participation in a cake-baking contest at work (that hotel really knows how to treat it's employees, let me tell you), we spent the day at Ojo Caliente mineral springs. We went for a hike in the snow, under the sunny and clear blue sky, got lost and ended up trespassing onto a horse field, and pet a pair of beautiful Palomino horses, then went for a soak in the hot spring baths, under a nearly full moon. We were driven by yet another pair of delightful Couchsurfers, and it was a day of great experiences and great conversation.

Since August, besides searching for a car (no small task when you have a limited budget, you're looking for a used car, and you don't already have one, in a town where you really need one!), I've ended up doing a lot of knitting and reading, and I finally mended a quilt that we use throughout the Winter months. Books that I highly recommend: C'est La Vie by Suzie Gershwin, an ex-patriot who moves to Paris; Dying: A Natural Passage by Denys Cope, a short, quick read that can bring a lot of peace and reassurance about the dying process and death, and Shapeshifters: Shamanic Women in Contemporary Society; a wonderful book that shares brief autobiographies of a number of female healers and their paths.

I also saw a great documentary on the life and work of the artist, Jean Michel Basquiat, who is now for certain one of my favorite artists of all time. Lastly, but certainly not the least, I most highly recommend the documentary, "Thrive", available only online I think. By the time you read this, it may be available on YouTube for free, I do know it's $5 streaming on the website, ThriveMovement.com. Yes, it's conspiracy, and it ties everything together. And yes, it's quite valid and credible, given all the previous investigation on these subjects I have done. If you haven't already, you should see other documentaries such as The Corporation, Inside Job, read up on the terrors of Monsanto, Chemtrails, and then see The Greatest Story Ever Denied, available for free on YouTube (although only in English I think), about UFO and alien contact. Then see Thrive. And let me know what you think!

So I have a few wishes for the coming Winter months. One is that I develop a greater private clientele, at least for a little while. The second is that I learn how to properly channel my anger as well as transform it.

Santa Fe, Part 6

It's monsoon season in full here. I don't think I mentioned in the last entry that we have had extraordinary forest fires here in New Mexico this year, which is why the air quality had been poor, and a lot of the parks and trails had been closed. I think they have now been re-opened, although there is a new risk of being hit by lightning or landslides during a rain on a hike. It is often hot in the middle of the day still, although much less frequently.

As one of the rune stones in my reading stated, I have reached a period of prosperity and achievement. High tourist season is in full force, and I have also been getting some significant private business.

After the last entry, I decided to commit myself to learning something new about massage before each shift at the spa, no matter how small, so that I can keep my practice fresh, and feel like I am improving. I read a lot, and I watch a lot of Youtube videos. One day, I pretended I was a masseuse in an ancient Roman bath house. Roman bath houses were a huge center of networking and sociopolitical commerce, and massage and bathing/hydrotherapy were of central importance to Roman health and their way of life. It was a fun meditation, and I felt like I was tapping in to an ancestral lineage and memory.

Anne Marie, my acupuncturist and healer, has been putting me into what looks like a space capsule, which radically increases and decreases air pressure. It works out my inner ear, aids in detoxification by literally pumping all the cells in my body, and is supposed to condition me to high altitude. It's the lazy version of aerobic exercise. My head feels a lot more clear and I feel uplifted after I leave her office. And I am finally doing more regular stretching and energetic exercises. I did a full three-day weekend at the spa last week, and with three private clients the day before, I basically worked on 14 bodies altogether. Half of them were not the easiest types; high body mass or very dense body mass, and in a few cases both.

I biked to work, also. I can, without a doubt, attest to the incline in the direction of the plaza after this, as my heart nearly burst riding TO work, but I coasted almost the entire way going home. Sick and tired of huffing and puffing, I consumed a lot of Chlorella and even a product called Chloroxygen, by a local company. I inhaled a lot of Eucalyptus. These helped quite a bit, along with a few aspirin, ibuprofen, and hot Epsom salt baths. And, oh yeah, I did stretch at bedtime. I was amazed that I wasn't more exhausted and sore in the following days, but I guess it was a sign that I did something right.

When I mentioned to Anne Marie that I was experiencing mild depression (as mentioned in my last entry), she brought up a Buddhist meditation which has been helping me a bit, too, called the Maitri meditation. Maitri, or Matreya, roughly translates as "Unconditional friendship towards oneself", and the practice, as far as I can understand it, with the limited research I have so far done, is something like saying to oneself, "May I be free from all suffering, and the root of all suffering." Eventually you move on to saying this to someone or something you love unconditionally, and all the way to your worst enemy. And you go through the same process by saying, "May I know all happiness, and the root of all happiness." Check out this great 5 minute talk by Pema Chodron: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s-rRMUl04I

I occasionally use this as a prayer before my bodywork sessions.

Loic and I made a two day road trip for the first time last month, going North on the High Road to Taos. Taos itself is not terribly impressive to me, but the land in between Santa Fe and Taos is beautiful. And one of my favorite things on the trip was a slight detour to Chimayo, which is a popular pilgrimage destination, and the one which Loic walked to overnight during Holy Week in the Spring. We encountered a few people selling some local chile, and we were given an extensive tasting, similar to winetasting, which we also did on the trip. I have come to fall in love with chile. Whereas I used to use Cayenne, Paprika, and something simply called "Chile" for the common beef and bean soup so prevalent in the United States, I now use all varieties of a pepper known only as Red or Green, but sometimes referred to as Anaheim, for it's propagation in Anaheim, California. It is the equivalent of having only been familiar with Gallo wine from a box, and then being exposed to different varieties of Bordeaux. I am eating it and cooking with chile almost every day.

I continue to have wonderful adventures, both in-town and on the road. And lately with my new friend, Eve. Eve is officially a resident of New Mexico, works during the tourist seasons in Angel Fire (north of Santa Fe), and technically lives with her husband in Boulder, Colorado. Originally from the Chicago area, she frequently drives to visit her mother there. Luckily, Eve loves driving. Lucky for me, too, because I've gotten to see quite a bit of her this year. Ironically, I get to see more of her then many of the locals that I've attempted to develop friendships with.

Eve is a wonderful photographer, videographer, artist, former DJ, and I recently discovered, a fantastic Feng Shui consultant. On her last visit to Santa Fe, she offered to "Feng Shui" our place, which I eagerly accepted. Although this did not thrill Loic, since we decided to keep it a surprise, and move the house around while he was working. Later he said that it didn't feel like his place anymore, although I think he is warming up to it now. I was sorry to make him so upset, and really should have involved him in the process.

But I have to tell you, this has had amazing results for me. Moving the bedroom has had astounding results, and I feel safer and sleep so much better now. And I am certain that Eve's intention to improve the area of Career has influenced my current prosperity and achievement, as I stated earlier in this entry.

Eve also got me to finally put up the hummingbird feeder that Mom brought to us when the family came for the wedding last fall. It's placed right by the front door, in the window facing our dining table. These fairies of the bird kingdom showed up in less than 24 hours, and continue to grace us with their presence. I have never before had such close interaction with hummingbirds, and watching them, hearing them, is so delightful.

I visited Angel Fire with Eve last weekend, close to the Colorado border. It's a wealthy resort mountain town created for Texas oil barons, where people like Reagan would fly in and do covert business while skiing, hiking, hunting or fishing. That's about all one can do there. For the first 24 hours I felt pretty miserable and couldn't do much of anything anyway; combination of even higher altitude (8500 feet) and lots of changes in barometric pressure -- even more rain in the mountains! It's beautiful though. Very green and lots of pines. I'm discovering that there is a lot of New Mexico that is very green, and not desert at all. I was wishing that I had brought a sketchpad and watercolor/ paper. The water is very pure, the air smells piney and very sweet. And at night Eve had a pine wood fire going in one of the vacation rentals that she stays in while she is managing other rentals. Oh, one other thing the Texans do there-- they watch the elk and the resident wild bear. As soon as Eve drove us up to the house and parked in the driveway, a small herd of elk (males and females) crossed the road into the woods surrounding us. And a minute after, the local bear crossed the road in the other direction. My first sighting of elk and bear! And I must be attracting hummingbirds naturally now, because Sunday morning I went out onto one of the decks to make a call, and a female broad-billed hummingbird was flying around my head, checking me out. The most fun thing was the drive home. We spent time at an alpaca farm, and took a lot of photos of the spectacular cloud formations with Eve's professional camera.

So, I'm still pretty tired and lethargic, although in general I am feeling so much better. I feel that I'm heading in the right direction, although I'm not always clear about what direction that it is, or if it even means making Santa Fe our permanent home, and I'm ok with that.

Santa Fe, Part 5

I'm writing this entry in a state of mild depression. I'd have to say that things have not been easy for me since the Chicago trip in mid-May. Actually, the Chicago trip itself was pretty darn challenging.

I drew a Rune of Comfort about a half hour ago. It was Breakthrough ("Dagaz"). I then drew a Rune inquiring if action was required of me. It was Wholeness ("Sowelu"). I interpreted these to imply that the darkness is (soon to be) over (..."Drawing Dagaz often signals a major shift or breakthrough in the process of self-change, a complete transformation in attitude, a 180-degree turn. For some, the transition is so radical that they are no longer able to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.... A major period of achievement and prosperity is often introduced by this rune. The darkness is behind you, daylight has come." [pp 135-36, "The Book of Runes" by Ralph H. Blum]) Sowelu, writes Mr. Blum, is " a rune of great power, making life force available to you, [this rune] marks a time of regeneration down to a cellular level.... you may see fit to withdraw, or even to retreat in the face of a pressing situation...voyage inward for centering and balance." (p 139-40)

This reading sounds fantastic, although for about two weeks now I feel like I've been voyaging inward, yet again. But let me begin where I left off at Chicago.

I planned my Chicago trip during my "premenstrual" phase, thinking that it would be going better for me, since I've been taking these Chinese herbal formulas for a bit now. The acupuncturist keeps insisting that my body (and my consciousness) have been through a lot in recent years, and that it might take a while to get strength and balance back. I have had some energy blockages, and it's like the flow of Chi in my body has had a dam in place, and is just starting to open up the dam. It's the idea that things often get worse before they can get better.

Physically I felt really awful while visiting Chicago; I couldn't do much, and I was very anti-social. So I guess it was a good thing that I didn't set a big agenda for myself like the last trip, and no clear intention. I spent time with my parents, with Michele, and found permanent situations for both cats. (I do NOT want to rehash the cat story!) I got to relive, as a young girl, going out to my parents' backyard early in the morning in my pajamas during my favorite time of year. The yard was lushly green and humid, and not yet hot. Mornings are so calm, peaceful, and magical, even in New Mexico. As a girl, I used to wander outside and watch the birds and sometimes play with earthworms.

The grand finale to this trip was that the day my flight was scheduled a huge storm system moved in to the mid-West. Again, I don't wish to rehash the story, but I will say this: One day of traveling turned into two, and although I witnessed no physical harm to anyone, I ended up having an existential meltdown in a hotel room in Atlanta. I found solace in Gideon's bible, in the hotel bedside table. I will never, EVER fly Delta again. And when I finally made it back to Santa Fe, I was happier than ever to be home.

On my return, I actually committed myself to yoga. I managed to do two classes a week, with some of my own stretching in between. This was a huge accomplishment for me, and I saw great improvement physically and mentally. Then, one morning after an evening shift at La Posada, and maybe 4 or 5 days in a row of sleeping 6 hours a night (when I like 8 to 9), I woke up in bed once again with the room spinning. This was, I think, the third episode of vertigo since I have moved here.

I seemed to recover quickly, and bent down to get something from under the bed, stood up, walked across the bedroom, and fell hard onto the floor. It felt like an invisible hand had slapped me upside the head. For most of the day I was on the couch, and crawling to the bathroom as necessary. Then I was able to walk fairly normally. But it got worse again. The next week followed this pattern. I would say this is easily explainable by the misalignment in my neck, my need to acclimate to the high altitude, and even the poor air quality, as we suffer from some of the worst forest fires nearby that New Mexico has had in years.

But I think it's more than this, and the acupuncturist seems to think that the fact that I go back and forth between getting better and getting worse is a sign that something is stuck in my body. She is working to help me become "unstuck". In a few days I will be working with a friend who is in a shamanic apprenticeship, and she will also be doing a "clearing". The work she has done with me in the past has been helpful, so I am looking forward to this.

The Reiki and other energy work that I have done on myself has also helped.

In the end, I am feeling that the Summer in New Mexico may not be my favorite time of year. The heat has been hard to bear. Perhaps it might be easier if breathing was easier. A lot of people are much less active and stay indoors, due to the smokey air. They have closed a lot of hiking trails and natural parks. I've witnessed one major monsoon-rain, and I hope to see much more. It cools off so nicely. And of course, it would be easier if we could run errands by car.

Part of my depression is that I'm fully realizing how many master massage therapists there are here... MTs who have 10, 20, even 30 years experience, and who don't even bother advertising themselves or working in a spa. Some teach. Many cure. I have reached a level past impatience, and feel a bit hopeless of ever reaching this level of excellence. Ok, honestly, I feel inadequate. I mean, sometimes I am good, sometimes I am even great. I've had as many clients who say "that was the best massage I've ever had" or some related compliment, as those who don't say anything, but I know that they felt the massage was mediocre. The quality of my work is apparently not stable yet, and I am constantly reminded in one way or another of how much I have yet to learn. This includes training, but also the experience that only time can bring. Grrrrr, says the monster of impatience living inside me, frustration sitting next to it.

Abraham-Hicks say to "tell a new story". One of these days I will start over again.

Santa Fe, Part 4

Gosh, where do I start? I can not believe that a few moments ago it was March, and now it's mid-May. I stand by a claim I made several years ago that these years I am living now are
the happiest years in my life so far. Now, I am waiting for my body to catch up. I'm only turning 41 in June but have been persistently having physical problems and pain. Too young for someone who has led a pretty darn healthy life, although with Type I insulin-dependent Diabetes. I've been seeing a chiropractor, I've received quite a bit of body work, and I just started to see an acupuncturist. A lot of the energy work I do end up doing has been directed towards dysfunction and pain in my right leg/ knee, and lower back. For some reason, a reverse curve has been discovered in my neck, as though I had been in a car accident, although no such physical trauma has occurred. I'm looking forward to resolving these issues.

Slowly I am finding my "center" here, although I have yet to solidly dedicate myself again to my spiritual and energetic practices such as meditation, Reiki, journeying. Even belly dancing or regular stretching! The dust is still settling. And as I may have mentioned in an earlier entry, all of my creative juice has been directed towards rebuilding my career and my vocation in massage therapy. And if I'm honest, being married as well. I'm used to making jewelry and visual art, but that is also on hold.

I've been in a flurry of tourism, when I haven't been taking or studying some form of continuing education in my field. I've entertained myself by learning more about aliens, chem trails, nutrition, and Monsanto, online. (I'm extra glad I'm consuming Chlorella and Turmeric!) I've started to write down a lot of my healthy recipes, which may become part of this blog in the future. My hunger for learning, healing, and growing here has been voracious. All seem to be happening at an excelerated rate. I think that is the nature of this place. People say to me that Santa Fe will either suck you in or kick you out, and you've got to be ready for it. It's definitely sucked me in.

I've completed training in Indian head massage, and just finished a prenatal certification workshop. The prenatal workshop included some emotional healing work; a totally new paradigm of learning. Right after the Indian head massage workshop I received a call for an interview with a spa that was number one on my list of places to work. The interview was more like an orientation, and the only demand on me was to give the manager a massage. The job was in my hands before I showed up. So, now I am becoming acquainted again with luxury spa culture. Things are much less up to luxury standard there then they were at Four Seasons. It's baffling, especially when all the treatments I've performed so far cost the guest $190 apiece. But it's also a great relief, too. I get to be authentic, and the best massage therapist I can be, and live up to my own standard, which I think is a very good one.

That's New Mexico for you... and the Southwest in general. The Land of Manana. Customer service is not so valued by those doing the service. This is a huge paradox in the luxury hospitality industry. Loic has not been rewarded for his initiative and standard of excellence that he has been trained in. Alternately, he is still making a rather good income, and he too is able to relax a bit more, I think. Although because he is in a managerial position, the staff underneath him take advantage of him. I'm encouraging him to take measures to prevent this, but there is not much one can do if an employee decides not to work one day and Loic is forced to work extra hours without extra pay. In Chicago, these employees would be reprimanded and eventually get fired. Not so here.

On the note of tourism and socializing, we've hosted several more couchsurfers, and I've gone with one to see Ten Thousand Waves spa, which has worldwide fame. If you, dear Reader, come to visit Santa Fe, I most highly recommend not only Ojo Caliente, but Ten Thousand Waves. The former certainly has healing waters, but the latter is most definitely up to luxury standard. For $2o you can soak in a women's bath or communal bath, with your own cotton kimono robe and slippers, as much filtered water to drink as you like, as many towels as you want, a wonderful traditional Japanese sauna, a meditation room, and peppermint or green tea. The locker rooms have wonderfully scented amenities such as lotion, shower gel, shampoo and hair conditioner. The property is exquisitely beautiful, complete with waterfall and ponds filled with Koi fish. I've been told the massage is fantastic.

I have visited Ghost Ranch (Georgia O'Keeffe made this famous) with my new friend Eve, originally from Chicago and now living in Boulder, Colorado. Eve says Ghost Ranch is as beautiful or more so than Sedona, Arizona. I'll have to see it myself one day soon to compare, but I can believe it. The mesas are nearly blood red, and glow.

We've done some fabulous birdwatching here. There are birds here I've never seen before. Every morning I wake to hearing their song. And yesterday I was blessed with a Raven feather as Loic and I walked down our gravel drive. The fresh air, the skies, the sun, the mountains, the rocks, and the wildlife make this place so precious. And sealing the experience are wonderful people with heart.

In two days time I travel back to visit family and friends in Chicago. Later today I have two massage appointments booked in my home office. When I finish this writing I will take a walk to pick up some delicious local chocolate for my parents to enjoy when I stay with them. I feel truly blessed and grateful.

Santa Fe, Part 3

Current, local weather report: 72 Fahrenheit, bright sun, slight breeze. Yellow daffodils, wild purple iris blooming at neighbor's front door. Current, internal weather conditions reflect the external, environmental conditions. It is March 18th.

The Middle East is having multiple revolutions, the mid-West of the USA --Wisconsin-- has been having it's own revolution, earthquakes and subsequent Tsunami have rocked the Pacific ocean and killed possibly tens of thousands in Japan, the Mayan prophecies (and other indigenous people's prophecies) are possibly being actualized with tectonic and polar shift. And here am I, in a safe and calm place.

I truly hope that people around the world will heed the warnings-- no one should live near a fault line, a coast line, or even low elevations, in my opinion. As one letter from a Native elder says, "If Spirit tells you to move, move." Ultimately, though, I know it's not a bad thing to "leave the space suit". However, I would like to live a full, long, healthy life in the body I have right now, so I feel grateful that I followed the call to this place.

In the meantime, lots of housekeeping; cooking and cleaning, externally as well as internally. Internal Spring cleaning includes generous, daily doses of Chlorella, which I am slowly building up, Neem, and Turmeric; the latter two are thousands of years old Ayurvedic herbal panaceas. Trying to stay physically active, including slow, long stretching, which in my experience, assists in detoxification. I've been much too sedentary, due to the struggles I've had physically and emotionally. My joints have been chronically aching and my body has been stiff. Suspect the possibility of systemic Candida and parasites.

I am having an experience now of what they mean when they say that the first year or two of marriage is the hardest. New issues come up, older issues not resolved definitely become louder after marriage. Loic agreed to have another "talk" this morning, and I am very glad. My ultimate goal is that we grow together, and grow a deeper and deeper connection. I have seen the beginnings of that, and feel hopeful.

March and April, I am told, is the windy season here. So far, it's been pretty calm. Tonight, though, I can hear the wind howl through the windows. It's a full moon, showing itself above the hazy shadows of the Sangre de Cristo mountains, in view on the Eastern side of our apartment. If I hadn't already made significant progress communicating with (and making peace with) the spirits here, my skin would be crawling. Trust me, even the most grounded of my good friends, remarked on the spirit she encountered in her hotel room while visiting here for two nights.

People either love or hate this place; there is no in-between. Equally, if you live here, you will go crazy, and I mean this in good ways and not-so-good ways. This place is full of nuts, and I have become one of them. I commune with invisible beings, for heaven's sake. I underwent a shamanic healing last week, and when I got up from the table I was lying upon, quite unexpectedly, all my body pain had disappeared. It is still mostly gone, compared to what it was.
As I've said before, this is a place of healing, and it can happen really fast. I was reflecting on how far I've come in such a short period of time-- a little over four months.

My client base has been growing, I'm happy to report. Although I have still been doing quite a bit of bartering, I actually got paid twice this week. It may not be impressive for Chicago, but it's impressive for Santa Fe. I have the added benefit of attaining much altered states of consciousness while doing a session, which happens more often and more intensely when I do energy sessions alone. Since these states are extremely pleasant and fulfilling, I tend to favor energy sessions, for selfish reasons.

We continue our exploration of hot springs... February 18th, Loic couldn't go due to his work schedule, but I accompanied fellow Couchsurfers Ana and Rob, and their friend Storm, to Spence hot springs. A lukewarm and very frequented spring, but such beauty surrounding it! Later, on February 27th, Loic and I were guided by Couchsurfer Shannon, to San Antonio hot springs, a 3 1/2 mile hike into a much more remote area in the mountains. Even though we were hiking the entire time under snowfall, and upon snow-covered ice, we were still amazed to find no one on the trail or at the spring, the entire day. I had been nervous about this hike. You've already heard about my physical challenges. And I did end up slipping and falling quite a bit. And I did end up swallowing an ibuprofen when we arrived, and at bedtime later. And it took me two days to recover, with a lot of extra sleeping. But it was amazing... the beauty on the hike and at the spring itself. And hot, and so clean. Great photos on my Facebook profile, if you haven't seen them (one is at the beginning of this blog).

I went to Ojo Caliente during daylight, last Sunday, without Loic, but with a new friend, to celebrate her birthday. Overrun with people, and a film on the surface of the waters. I vowed never again to go during the day, during the weekend, in warmer weather. One thing I have loved about visiting hot springs in so-called inclement weather, is that there are a lot less people. I am not people-hating, but I'm certainly crowd-hating, especially when it comes to group bathing, with people of questionable hygiene, and/or questionable health. Maybe it's something I need to get over, my fear of disease and contamination.

In the last day or so, I've returned to concept of Patriarchy ( I was a Women and Gender Studies student in college, and I read and wrote about the subject) ...and our changing world. The earthquakes and Tsunami, the Mayan calendar and prophecy, the trends away from materialism and consumerism, towards connectedness and Earth-based consciousness, are all a part of this. I just finished an excellent book by John Perkins (author of the bestselling, "Confessions of an Economic Hitman") called, "Shapeshifting: Shamanic Techniques for Global and Personal Transformation". I had no idea this guy was writing books on shamanism, originally inspired by his visits to local tribal elders, during his exploitative trips to third world countries while working for the US government. He eventually quit doing these horrific jobs, and started to lead trips for groups to visit these shamans, and learn from them. There are many pages I could quote, but I'll share this one:

"You asked, so we are here to explain. But you've already seen it. Or at least enough. There is a direct correlation between the rise of 'advanced, civilized societies' and the demise of the shamanic ones that emphasize closeness to and dependence on nature. That encourage ecstasy."

"Ecstasy!"The women rolled their eyes and moved their bodies seductively; four or five of them touched their breasts.

"Ecstasy is what we all desire. It is a natural state of heightened passions when we feel our oneness with all things. But those who would dominate others hate ecstasy. Passion includes anger and rebellion. It threatens their control. They discredit shamans who espouse it. They try to force the goddess out of religion and the priestess out of women. Woman the ecstatic. Instead they teach their sheep that happiness comes from owning things, that heaven is a huge store. 'Out with the primitive' they shout. 'Tame nature!' " (p 153)

I do hope that you will read this book... and discuss it.

Santa Fe, Part 2

I think I am finally starting to enjoy the unfolding of my life again. And believe me, after many "meltdowns", that is something to say. Last night I read a chapter from an astrology book on the sign of Cancer, and how hard change is for them, especially if it relates to a home base or a community. I can certainly vouch for this. It occurred to me today that if everyone could simply enjoy the unfolding of their lives, just enjoy the process, what greater happiness and peace there would be in the world.

So, this is my first Winter in Santa Fe.

For some reason there is a mythology of Santa Fe, even perpetuated by the locals, that Santa Fe doesn't have extreme weather...or at least, extreme cold. My decision to move here was actually based on this mythology. While this Winter has been mild (we've really lucked out! -- 40's and 50's a lot of the time) and above average in temperatures, we just hit a record low of -18 overnight last Thursday, and even had natural gas service disruption, with a lot of people unable to heat their homes or have hot water, etc., due to the unusually high demand over a 48 hour period. Luckily, a lot of people here have fireplaces and wood-burning stoves, making the already fresh air even more delightful with the scent of Pinon, or other fragrant wood. My impression is a lot of people also have electric heaters, and there are quite a few solar-powered homes, too.

Water is scarce here, too; it's a new thing for both of us to be charged for the volume of water we use. Many reminders of the urgent need for humankind to learn how to be self-sustaining. I've never had my own garden, but now that I have a nice, large deck I'm going to be growing food on it. For what it's worth.

On the upside, it is beautiful here year-round. It is joyful and breathtaking. Although the high altitude has been taking some getting used to; I still get an aerobic workout now just taking a walk. (Gingko Biloba and Hawthorn extracts have helped me quite a bit.) And even when it's hot, because it's dry heat, the shade is quite pleasant, and I have seen women walking around town with parasols-- I know this to work well. Temperatures drop rapidly and radically once the sun goes down, a phenomenon in the desert, which can be a nice or not-so-nice thing.

Since I don't have a j-o-b yet, I have been doing some pretty amazing cooking. A lot of my creativity has been channeled into homemaking. I made my first Latkes and applesauce at Hanukah, and a Christmas dinner that Loic's family would have been proud of, including mashed Rutabaga with butter, and a Cornish game hen, stuffed with marinated, minced Crimini mushroom, with the Truffle I smuggled in from our visit to France, wrapped in a mustard leaf, tied together with two strips of bacon. Unbelievable. Oh, and I made my first Yule Log cake, or Buche de Noel. Chocolate sauce and whipped cream filling. Did I mention this was unbelievable? I have also made a goat cheesecake. And luxuriated in the delicious native Red and Green Chiles; a New Mexican legacy. Thanksgiving was pretty amazing, too, including a pumpkin pie made from scratch. I have photos of all of my November/December creations on Facebook.

On the occasion of one of my "meltdowns", which happened Christmas day after having had a fight with Loic and then spending the day alone (a thing I have never done before), I finally decided I had to use the miles on my credit card to buy a ticket to visit Chicago in January. My mission: Visit with loved ones I miss, spend time with the cats, and hopefully find a new home for them. As my plane was taking off, I said to myself, " I want to be in Chicago with a peaceful heart, and go back to Santa Fe with a peaceful heart", and that is exactly what happened.

It was incredibly nourishing to be in Chicago again. I thought it would feel weird sleeping in my parent's house, in my old room, but surprisingly it wasn't. I have felt uncomfortable in the house I grew up in while visiting as an adult, as my childhood and teenage years are generally not ones I want to remember. What I consider my 'happy years' have been from 2007 and on!

But I not only felt very comfortable in the Samuels' house, I slept really well there, too.

I must say, however, that I was shockingly reminded of how little sun Chicago gets, especially in the Winter. And it was bitterly cold. And... it smelled awful! I became even more grateful for Santa Fe and it's air and it's beauty and its... sunlight. It's hard for me to imagine breathing that air, now. I love Chicago and it's culture and it's huge Mid-Western trees. But it stinks.

So, the rest of the time I have spent here I have been slowly re-building my private clientele as a massage therapist, taking continuing education, volunteering at the library, participating in a class called, "Creating Your Destiny"; giving me the opportunity to clarify a goal and work on removing what gets in the way of manifesting it. Action steps involved in this, for me, include meditation, shamanic journeying, writing down my dreams. It feels good, and productive. It feels like the beginning of a community for me.

The most uplifting activity so far has been our participation in Couchsurfing.org. Now that we have two bedrooms, a master bedroom, and a guest bedroom (which also functions as my massage room), we have the luxury of hosting guests. I was nervous of doing this at first, and felt uncomfortable inviting complete strangers into our home, but as it turns out I am a pretty good judge of character, and Couchsurfing allows people to set up very comprehensive profiles, including lots of photos, and the opportunity of leaving or obtaining good references and recommendations from fellow friends, travelers, hosts, or "surfers". There are also groups and activities people can join within the Couchsurfing community, and I've joined the Hotsprings, Bellydancers, Santa Fe, and New Mexico groups.

On the 2nd of January we hosted two young women from Massachusetts. The four of us drove to Ojo Caliente Hotsprings one cold night. It was my third visit there in the span of almost twenty years, but my first in the night and in the Winter. We sat in these hot, mineral springs and watched the steam rise up into the starry night sky. It felt so good I didn't mind the icicles forming in my hair.

I not only get to meet these incredibly inspiring, delightful, and highly intelligent fellow travelers, but I get to show people around and be a tourist myself, if I feel like it. We have hosted four times so far, and I have already learned so much, and made new friends, who might also let me sleep in their homes when I'm the one traveling. If you would like encouragement in participating in this, dear reader, I would be happy to oblige.

I am beginning to feel like I am developing a global community, as a result of my participation in this website. It is possible that I will start to feel that my community is a mobile one, like I could be a Hermit Crab; the type of Cancer that will travel with a spiritual home strapped to it's back, finding a larger home when I have outgrown the one I'm wearing.

I was feeling so disconnected from everything and everyone when I moved here. I have been mourning my disconnection from my spiritual practices, my feeling of disconnection from Spirit, from my Higher Self, whatever you call it. Years ago, I used to literally "hear" voices sometimes, despite the fact that I was intensely depressed. I missed the ability to hear, although my intuition could still be strong. All these activities I am doing now are bringing me back to myself, finally, and bringing me great relief. I look forward to hearing voices....

The Lunar New Year, along with the pagan holiday of Candlemas/Imbolc/ Brigidsmas, also happened last Thursday. I definitely feel a shift in the energy, as we move from the Tiger to the Rabbit. Rabbit is supposed to bring peace and calm, despite what all the astrologer's are saying about the craziness of the planets.

On the marriage front, I am loving being married. Yes, Loic and I have had a number of fights. It's been scary, and sad, and enraging. Some of this has been resolved, thankfully. I am still not sure what's going to happen when Loic leaves, in several years, for his year-plus sojourn that I was supposedly joining him on. I am currently re-evaluating doing it, as I am just not sure yet how I can maintain my health and sanity while doing it. And I know I will miss him terribly if I stay in a home I have worked hard to make, while he travels. Who knows.

One of my Facebook friends posted something about how she and her fiance celebrate "monthly anniversaries", as they have done since they began dating. Charmed, I suggested this to Loic, who promptly vetoed the idea, saying it would be an expensive thing (even though my friends were just exchanging cards). He also doesn't like a lot of predictable celebrations, as they take the surprise and romance out of an occasion. I can't disagree, and for that reason I don't really care for Valentine's Day, although I love all the red and pink hearts and cherubs. So I forgot about mentioning the idea. On December 16th, Loic called me from work, saying he would be an hour late coming home. He showed up an hour later, with a bouquet of red roses, enrobed in evergreen branches, and a bottle of wine with some other edible treats. "Happy Anniversary", he said, kissing me. I had forgotten all about my suggestion! Delighted, I told him not to worry, that I wouldn't be expecting this every month.

Yes, I am happy to be married.

Santa Fe, Part 1

At forty years of age, and nearly that long living in Chicago, I have relocated to Santa Fe, New Mexico. After two months of living here I am finally beginning to feel the reality of this statement. It's taking a while to get grounded, and I am not sure if it's because I've moved as an adult, or if it's because I've spent so much time this year with my feet, literally, off the ground. Probably the high altitude contributes. A colleague of mine called it, "Sky Energy"here. I believe it.

I wouldn't wish on anyone the feelings of grief and unreality I've experienced in leaving good friends and family and even my beloved cats back in Chicagoland. As I was packing, day after day, I grew sadder and angrier, and eventually started questioning if it was worth it. Every year that winter has begun since I was 18, I've told myself,"This is my last winter in Chicago. This is my last winter in Chicago...(insert cursing)." And yet, as I was leaving it, and breaking so many hearts including my own, I became so grateful for the many years, and even the winters, that I spent there.

There really isn't any substitute for the deep bonds that form between friends over time. And anyone who has not lived a good number of years with an animal companion can not know the bonds that grow between human and animal. For various reasons I'd rather not divulge at this point, I couldn't bring my two cats. I had a few friends suggest donating them back to the shelter where they were adopted, but I couldn't bear the idea of putting them through the trauma of that, and possibly never seeing them again. At the time of this writing they are living in the condo where I lived, with a "catsitter"; they need a home where they will get the loving attention they deserve.

All that aside, Santa Fe has been a magical place for me. I've experienced such strong creativity and spirituality and kindness. Strangers smile and say hello to me as if they know me. People act as if they recognize me. A man drove by me in a pick up truck while I was walking, and said,"It's really nice to see you today!" While waiting at a bus stop, another man walked by me and said,"Did you get that monkey? Oh, excuse me, I thought I met you at Whole Foods." Cars not required to stop actually stop to allow me to walk across a street. It's like I'm being welcomed home from a long journey.

Yesterday one of our neighbors also renting on the same property, who we have not introduced ourselves to yet, called up "Hello, neighbor!" to me on our second-floor terrace in dark. I was amazed. Either it's a small town phenomenon (ok, Santa Fe isn't that small, hovering around sixty thousand), or it's Southwestern hospitality, or somehow the high elevation (7,000 feet), forces people's heart muscles to work harder making them naturally big-hearted.

A new acquaintance put it very nicely; many people here are here because they choose to be here. I know this is not the only explanation, though. There is a magic and beauty to this place that magnetizes.

I love how I can use the terms, "Reiki" and "Shamanism" in a conversation with a virtual stranger and instead of getting funny looks I actually get a smile of recognition. I don't have to talk about football. People actually talk about sunsets, even though we are graced with the dazzling beauty of the sun and sky everyday. I don't feel so much like a freak for stopping to watch the mountains, or the raven that just flew overhead.

I flew to Santa Fe on October 27th to join Loic, who had already been here for a bit over a month. On November 16th we were married in a small room with a kiva fireplace at the hotel where he works, by a woman with long white hair. I wore all white and a borrowed dress from my good friend Michele. It was so last minute we kept it small, and luckily, my parents and my two brothers, along with Michele, were able to make it. Loic set up Skype with his family in France, so they were able to watch, if not fully understand, the ceremony. Lunch at the restaurant in the Inn of the Anasazi, (Loic's hotel), was incredibly delicious.

While we made preparations for the wedding, I asked Loic to prepare a toast at our lunch. It was amazingly moving, although he demanded most strictly that I not repeat it or broadcast it (my brother recorded it on video). I feel it's a shame, but I am honoring his demand.

It was a beautiful and precious wedding... spontaneous. I loved feeling like a princess. I told Mom later that every woman should get to have that once a week! Dress up, with a bouquet, get toasted with champagne... and a delicious meal that even now makes my mouth water. What a life.

I am writing this entry in our lovely apartment, where I can watch the sun rise over the mountains in one set of windows, and the sun set through another, or all of the above from the terrace, also known as the deck. I have the indulgence of internet at home for the first time in fifteen years. That alone is such a gift, and has helped me feel a lot less lonely here in my new home.

To be continued!